The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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