You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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