I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
