OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
