Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
