You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
