Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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