I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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