Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize