I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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