Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
