i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
