can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
