The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I didn't notice because vodka
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
