Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
