I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize