i permit you to call me
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
