Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
