Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
