We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
