I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize
