This dress was meant to end up on your floor
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
