So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
