I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She needs sedatives and a leash
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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