Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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