Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
