I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
