Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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