i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
