either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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