The maid of honor just puked.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
