If i come over, it means nothing
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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