Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
