So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize