And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
