K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
