dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
