he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You need a sexual gate keeper
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
