i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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