My friends, they love my intelligence
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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