If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
