"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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