I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
