If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
