somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
