I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
