The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
