Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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