you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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