just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
