Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
