its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
