Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
