my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize