How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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