just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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