shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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