He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
we're so committed to being not committed
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
