My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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