This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
