Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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