I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
